I WROTE THIS ON SEVENFATCOW....IT BELONGS HERE.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU !
Some unhappy soul who’s dead inside and blames the world around them for there misery and in reality thrives off of and enjoys that missery……..Thats why you willingly wallow in it! Or do you wander around aimlessly with the warped idea in your head that since you are such a “caring fucking individual” and “do gooder” and oh so selfless you are ! and because you are trying so fucking hard to help your self, that the world should bow to you and be at your beck and call and bend there fucking backs to rescue and help you……
when all you do is degrade and ridicule them to give your self a twisted feeling of worth and purpose? I thought that WE were supposed to be the ones that were better than this, the ones who left or stood alone while screaming our oh so true but bold opinion because of shit like this?

What the fuck happend to our strength? The strength that we had when we left the people who did this to us when we were down?I dont know who Moshe Kanovsky was, but I know that he lived in a dark ugly world filled with sadness sorrow and tears, and noone took the time to walk him out of there. I know that before he ended his missery he was probably tourmented by feelings of despaire and fear,and when he thought up his final plan he was probably terrified of failing at that too, and when he executed it……
he was probably numb to life by then, and it was the only thing left to do……
the thoughts of a one time fellow jumper……..EVERYONE has a breaking point ! a snaping point ! something that takes them to “the other side” You need soldiers to go to war, IT TAKES AN ARMY TO WIN THE WAR ! And here we stand claiming to be the REAL ONES, THE STRONG ONES, THE WARRIORS, THE SURVIVORS, THE ONES THAT ARE LOUD AND OUTSPOKEN WHEN THEY REJECT ANOTHER ONE, THE REAL MOTHER FUCKERS! But in reality, the ones who cause the vicious cycle to continue….THE ABUSED!……… THE ABUSERS !
LEAH KLEIM THE HIGH PRIESTESS OF SEVENFATCOW!

MISSING YOU AND LOVING YOU...WISH I WAS THERE WITH YOU.

XOXOXOXO
LEAH KLEIM.
WE MISS YOU !

THE LAST TIME I SAW GERSHY

XOXOXOXO
LEAH KLEIM
WE MISS YOU.

Because it feels so good !!!

http://babyboiiluvu.blogspot.com/2007/10/aussi-this-is-howi-dunno-why.html


what did Gershy feel ?
Do you know ?
Do you care ?

NO !

I GET IT....

SO I CUT MYSELF AGAIN

My Sweet Friend Choomie Bruck Wrote This...

we know .......
there are dozens of us but we're scattered ,we were naive and fragile in a world we were never allowed to see so it stands to reason when the culture shock wares off there is alot of rebuilding of the spiritof the soul of the body and with words of hatred burned into our very flesh into the grooves of our brain the fucking shit we were forced to believe for too long.

so now we are forced to live, despite we want to live because but we can't we want to live deliberately with passion with the same happiness with freedom from haunting thoughts and physically repulsive memories of voices saying you can't and you never will .

well we did we came this far but it's beginning to crumble, maybe we've held it together with the wrong adhesive maybe all we created was a tent and the wind is blowing too hard maybe our makeshift lives are just becoming to burdensome and we're all falling apart .

whatever the reason i'm not ready to let my home be torn down not even by a hurricane so fuck all you tormenters and autonomy killers and childhood dream takers and self esteem crushers and life sucking pathetic self haters so inadequate you wastes of sperm your evil fingers should be cut off your tongues ripped out .

you should be slamming yourself in front of trains ,you should be overdosing, throwing yourself off buildings, being shot in your basement, we're waking up now we're strong now we've endured enough now and we are uniting watch out you little weazels you have no idea you're about to keep whitnessing that shit being fucked up right in front of your inanimate, perverted pathetic little world and you'll know it but we won't have to do a thing......
you're already doing it to yourselves!!!!!

By Choomie Bruck....My awsome sweet friend.

Gershy Gorodetsky Went A Step Further Than I Did

So did Noach Tzvasman.... Did Noach's suicide trigger Gershy to commit suicide himself ? If Noach did'nt jump would Gershy still be here ?
I watch this and cant help but wonder if this triggered him.
part 1 of Noach Tzvasmans last trip on the subway.

part 2...The End.


Have you sat around the Shabbos Table and really looked in to all your kids eyes ? Or better yet the tuesday night dinner table ?

Given them a hug just because ? Opened there bed room door while they were sleeping, just to check on them ? Give them a kiss, whisper I love you in there ear ? Do you ever do some thing nice for them, some thing extra special...just because you love them ? Can your son or daughter come to you and talk.....about anything ? Have they ?

Do you take the time to know your childs friends ? If one of them seemd "troubled" would you welcome them in your house ? invite them for dinner ? make them feel noticed, cared about, "normal" ? Has your son or daughter ever written a suicide letter ? maybe more than once ? and "chickened out" Has your child ever washed a handfull of pills down with vodka only to wake up hungover ?

Has your son or daughter ever watched a razor blade dance across there wrists ? Has one of your children ever got so whacked out on drugs in your house while you were sleeping ? Does one of your children have a drug problem that is spiraling out of controll ?

Has your child ever fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow ?Or burried there face so deep in the pillow and turned on the air conditioner and stereo to hide there sobs? Have you ever written your Child a letter......out of the blue ? Just to let them know they are wonderfull and special ?

Have you went through your childs room while they were not home...every drawr, under the mattress, in between the T shirts in the drawrs and opened every CD case......just to make sure ? Have you listened in on some of there phone calls.....because you care ?

Do you check there cell phone bill ? Monitor there internet use ?
When they say they are going out , do you know where they are going ?Do you call them while they are there just to say I love you ?

If your child "screwed up big time" did something they were raised not to do....could they confide in you and cry on your shoulder when they hated them self for it ?

Do you know your children ?

Even if they grew up and moved away....do you still care ?

If your child took there own life....would you die inside ? or would it kill your yichus ?

If your child was dead inside .....would you even know ? ????????

No One Knew I Felt Like This When I Wrote It...

I know you have things to do, and no time to deal with me today.I cant choose a better day for you though ....You never had the time for me. I was always a hassle, or inconvienience,
you never celebrated me,or rejoiced for me. You always condemed me,rejected me or mocked me while you were indulging in your self or some one else who made YOU proud.

My emotions were always irrational.My feelings never made sense.My needs unnessasary or unimportant.My goals never big enough.My accomplishments always little.
I never did any thing good enough for you.I never made you proud.I never satisfied your needs.I was an embarrasement to you.It was just a shame that I was me.

I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I tried so fucking hard !I cried for you to claim me !I begged for your lies of love !

When lonely feelings of hopelessness started entering my mind......I thought that I could turn to you, for love and happy times.

You let me down and left me alone,You turned on me because I was sad,Because I needed love.You turned on me when I turned to you.It hurts because I love you.It hurts because I careIt hurts cause' I believed you, when you said those lies....I love you.

You loved me when I was little, a cheerfull child full of promise and a source of pride for you.You loved me when I was a happy little girl with striking looks and straight A's that were credited to you.You loved me unconditionaly, when I lived my life respecting the conditions that you set for me.

You showere me with smiles and gave me centerstage......When I was what you wanted, when I was what you made.

Thank G-d for sadness, Thank G-d for tragedy , Thank G-d for loving me, Thank you G-d for showing me,Lucky fucking me for having hurt and pain join my life! Thanks to loss and tragedy and needing you to love me....I found out who you really are, and I know that you dont want me.
Your love and acceptance was all just a hoax.You loved me and claimed me when I was pride and praise to you.You fucking lied to me ! I fucking hate myself ! And I still love you !

You told me that you love me so you could be proud of yourself,I was just your project, your mission, and your goal.

My heart and life were nothing to your selfish hatfull soul.You meant to say I love you....If you fit my twisted mold.

There is no day that you would have the time for me.Your probably wishing I had quietly died in the big deep blue sea.My death is not a loss to you but a waste of precious time.Time that is devoted to building up your pride.

I know that you will shed some tears, and wear the mask of sadness,I trust that you will use my death to spill your heart and tell your tale's,Of hopelessness and despair, sacrifice and love.....that I never recieved from you.

I have no other choice this time, I have to be your grand parade.Thankfuly I'm dead this time.... and it wont increase my pain.

Look at the box you bought to dispose of my pretty corpse in,Its more than what you ever bought me when I was alive and dead inside.

I'm not sorry that I troubled you, I'm not sorry that I'm here,I'm sorry that I knew you,And I'm sorry that I cared.

I trust that you will hide me in your closet full of bones,Your failure is gone, Your secret is burried,I'm finally dead and your nightmare has ended.

Take this time to use me ,and make your self the victim.....
I was always just a verb to you...or a problem and condition.But now I'm not an issue, now you are the victim.I am still just a commotion, a nuisance, and a word,now the verb is.....dead

You can have this last one too, its time to shed your tears of joy.Play the part, be the star !Bask in the attention, and care you believe you recieve.Steal my last spotligh, and hold it on your self,Use my life of pain and fear to tell your world of your love and lies and sacrifice.Use my acomplishment, and stomp my one big moment,Use my peace and create your own grave tragedy and modify the victim,Be your self, be true to me, Be the cold hearted soul you always were to me,I'll be the corpse you made me be.

I finally listened....to your sweet little lies...Your so beautifull, so pretty.Your so smart, so much potential.You can accomplish anything.If only you would apply your self.

I'm finaly listening !I took your advice !So here's to you and your selfish hurtfull lies.
Dont leave the lights on, dont save me dinner,dont change a thing for me,Be the way you always were to me.

I went on a mission,I took your great advice,I put on my favorite dress, I looked so Goddamn pretty,I set out to use my potential.I did something big !I tackled a challange, I accomplished a goal!

I did the impossible ! I stopped all the pain !I made you dissapear but your still here !Its like magik ! I'm noticed, I did something brave !

You should have seen me in that pretty dress,I looked so beautifull,I took a picture, of course I took it just for you,My pretty face looked so at ease,My big brown eyes almost turned to happy green,I was angelic !Like the girl you dressed me up to be !

Yes of course I took the picture just for you,I burned it for you too,Now I'm not suffering because I'm a shame to you.Once again I can be what you made me out to be,You can use me again now and blame your mistakes on me,I'm glad I can be of service to you,I changed my life for you, I killed myself with thanks to you .

Run it to ground,Use it all you can...

Just dont try to steel my sadness, to glorify your lies of love,That's the one thing you gave to me, and I worship it's effect on me.You wont ever take that back from me,I'ts the only thing I had, so I made sure I took it with me.

I killed myself because of you,So you can use my death for you,
Take me now, and hold me tight,Use my pain as your delight,
I'm dead in the ground,because you lied...you love me.

Ignorance is bliss, And the cause for sadness to prevail.

A comment that I read on Crown Heights Info.
It is site's like the above mentioned, who allow comments of this uneducated and inappropriate nature to be published, who are contributing to the problem surrounding the issue of Lubavitchers commiting suicide.
One day someone gona go to [Crown Heights] and show dem fools what insanity and leadership
really be , if some one in that sugar coated hood dont start being real.

This is the comment.

TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE ALLREADY DECIDED WHAT HAPPENED WITHOUT TRULY, HONESTLY KNOWING ALL THE FACTS AND, TO ALL OF YOU WHO THINK THEY KNEW GERSHY GORODETSKY AND, TO YOU WHO DECIDED THAT HE WAS ON MEDICATION AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY TO EVERYONE WHO DECIDED WITHOUT ANY PROOF OR EVIDENCE THAT GERSHY JUMPED IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN I SAY THE FOLLOWING. I WAS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF HIS FOR MANY MANY YEARS AND I KNOW THAT THIS IS THE TIME FOR EVERYONE IN AND OUT OF CROWN HEIGHTS TO STOP TALKING JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT AND STOP POSTING YOUR COMMENTS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT AND HAVE RESPECT FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES. AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REMEMBER HE HAS FAMILY THAT WERE VERY DARE TO HIM SO I ASK YOU, I PLEAD WITH ALL OF YOU, I BEG YOU ON HANDS AND KNEES DO NOT TALK JUST BECAUSE AND, DONT JUST SAY WOW WHILE YOU READ THIS AND FORGET ABOUT THIS IN A MONTH OR TWO OR THREE OR, ONE YEAR OR TWO OR THREE OR TEN YEARS. IF THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP ALL THIS TALKING AND WRITING JUST TO MAKE YOURSELVES FEEL BETTER, WHEN IS??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://crownheights.info/index.php?itemid=8143

Are we holding on for more history ?

As a teenager in a large Crown Heights family things can feel like they are moving so slowly for you if you hit a down. While you watch the world around you go about there daily routines in slow motion, as if you were never even there.

Your mind is pacing recklessly and speeding up uncontrollably.

"Not of sound mind" a phrase overused by people searching for a way to deal with there own inner feelings of guilt and shame when someone in there life decides to end there own life.

When I just turned bar mitzvah I went through the first real suicidal time in my life.
I was surrounded by family and friends, people who loved and cared for me yet I was all alone.
I remember someone asking a group of friends and I , have you ever thought about killing your self ?Out immediate responses were all the same untruthfull answers, no.

Growing up in a large jewish community and being a part of a movement with respect and stature it is a shameful thing too admit to.
Admitting to contemplating suicide is shunned and frowned at, and you immediately become sick, unstable, depressed, and you are looked at as if you are a rock that can speak.

When thoughts of peaceful death and the pain suddenly coming to a halt began too overcome any other thoughts I could have had I got scared.

My inner pain and loneliness were intensified at a level so horrendous the pain became unbearable and all I could feel racing through my mind was death.
My fear was not of dying, my dream was to die.

I was scared that I would end my life at any moment in my near future if faced with a quick easy method, be it a train or high traffic, a tempting tall building or a sharp object. The hardest thing for me to do at that point was cross the street or rid a a train.
I would mentally hold myself back and fight with myself, it seemed to be a light in the tunnel when I watched the fast cars or the lights on the train that were racing time right towards me and freedom from my misery.I wanted to feel the end more than anything I have ever wanted in my life, I had a burning craving to feel the ultimate pain to end the pain.

I was scared to make the hurt and anguish stop because of my family. What would they go through if I killed myself and ended the pain that they watched me dissolve in too .Somehow my pain eventually subsided, it was ironically when I left and went far away from home for the time of a school year. I felt it just fade away and behind it was a happy passionate romantic person I had never met before.

Now in the present, many years later with many joyful life experiences to look back on and a sense of inner calm and happiness with myself, my life and my future, I some times suddenly wonder.....

Should I have ended my life back then ?

Making the transition from being an empty hopeless child who's only sensation was pain, in to an understanding and compassionate adult who can see beyond social norms and expected cliches like family love and children being precious and priority and understanding and witnessing that morals aren't only morals , but a criteria for some to boast and claim only to make there other social expectations more real to the judgmental cold people on the side lines.

I have had other suicidal periods in my life after that initial shock and content of yearning for death. None as powerful or overbearing, but I always wished they would be.
in hindsight after shedding those feelings of solitude through death I cant help but wonder....

No matter our accomplishments, experiences, happiness, or love, at the end we all have the end.
When all you feel is pain and life to you is fear, in the end when ashes to ashes dust to dust is what your journey and story end in any way......

Does it really matter then if you loved a woman once , for a short time or a passionate self made eternity ? do any of the times you held dear and moments that you savored even matter at all when your life and time come to an end ?

I often wonder when I witness how cold and raw the world can be.......Did I force unnecessary misery on my self for more history ?

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up in a panic ? just because you woke up again ?

Can you imagine looking at a train rolling in to the subway station, looking at it as freedom not for being able to deliver you to your destination but from your sadness.. the destination is not important as long as you can be free of this pain you feel. what kind of pain must one be in to have the balls to jump in front of a train, death

may not be instant or certain but that pain and suffering pails in comparison to the pain in ones chest who is

contemplating taking this exit… that # 3 looks more and more like a god send. There are many other painless

ways to check out it is a testament to real pain to chose this means. Gershy was not Crazy! Gersh was in pain a

pain we can only pray we never experience. Imagine watching the train come at and pray to G-D for the strength

to take the final leap.

It hurt so bad to wear the fake smile but you do it anyway so people stop saying things like "smile" ! or "whats wrong with you, you always look so sad"
Do you know how lost and alone you feel when you look in the mirror and don't know the empty face that's looking back at you ?
Have you ever stopped looking in the mirror because the reflection you saw was so filled with loneliness and sadness even you couldn't bare it ?

Do we acknowledge it??

Has Anyone ever taken the time to talk about any of those who checked out to figure out why they see suicide as an only exit?? Imagine all the things you would do if you knew you were dying in a week... yet I'm convinced that those that have checked out have not lived as if they were about to die. had they, surely they would have discovered a whole new world of possibilities free of all notions and pressures we place upon ourselves based on what we perceive as community or society standards, our surroundings usually impose the belief that we must fall into a certain box, if you make this much, have this car, are or are not married by x age, where you live, how much hair you have, how fat or skinny you are, are all factors in the social standings equator that we use to determine whether we are a success or a total loser, When in the grand scheme of things most of our barometers are all flawed kind of like a girl becoming anorexic because she wants to look like that heroin addict model she sees in the fashion ad, we are all anorexic little girls trying to be like Kate.

We ourselves set the bar for what is normal and whats not, its all just a head game.... I am convinced had any of these people explored any of those possibilities and not been so desperate to escape the notion of death as an escape would have made as much sense as letting a monkey fly a plane.

We set the bar, lose the Bar and we are free!

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.


There are kids growing up in CH who had a mother or father who checked out did they got counseling or are they keeping all that shit in as the community looks upon them as the usual nebach their father / mother was a nut....

Gershy Gorodetsky was a great guy,

(TBC)